I have decided that my love notes will come in several different forms and I have thought of the first two so far.  Some of them will be serious and some will be funny.  I really hope he likes my love notes.

One thing I know he likes is to read.  He especially likes to read about mid-evil times – so think castles and knights, dragons and even a hobbit or two.  So I decided to make this love note look like a scroll.  I’m sure he’s heard of the author too.  This is part of a poem called Rabbi Ben Ezra by Robert Browning.

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made

I’ve been thinking about February.  I still need to come up with something to do.  I think I am going to put a note or quote or saying or something somewhere for him to find each day until Valentine’s Day.  I don’t have any money to buy him a gift since I have fibromyalgia and can’t work anymore.  I’ll just have to get really creative and I have 13 days to think of something.  The first “love note” I’m going to put on the dash of the car for him to find in the morning.  After all, my husband is the glue that holds me together.  I’ve been dealing with a lot since I started having the fibromyalgia pain and all the other annoying problems that go with it.  When I was so out of it with the pain before they figured out what was wrong my husband went with me to every doctor appointment.  He did whatever he could to make me comfortable and to try to make me smile.  He bought flowers and cute pajama’s when I couldn’t even get out of bed.  He was with me though all of it.  He has always been very supportive.  But that isn’t the only time….or the only way.

I’ve never been very confident in myself.  Whenever I think, “wouldn’t it be cool to……”, he just said, “Do it!  I know you can!”  When I wanted to go back to school to get a business degree in finance he pushed me to “do it!”  When I suddenly realized I really wanted to help people more than chomp numbers he supported me.  I decided to take the class to be a CNA and some other medical related classes.   He said, “go for it!”  He happily paid for the classes even after the car kept breaking down and we had to put a lot of money into getting a new one.  I got the job I wanted and loved it for the time I got to do that.  Now I can’t work anymore and he is still supporting me.  He’ll come home with flowers out of the blue.  No real reason other than he just wanted to see me smile.

He’s a heck of a man but he doesn’t care about all of the goofy stuff that people do for Valentine’s Day.  I can’t let it just go by though.  I tell him all the time how much I love him but I think putting it down on paper cements it.  That is something he can keep and if he ever doubts it all he has to do is look at one of my “love notes”.

The first one will be a quote

I am going journal crazy right now.  I already had an Art Journal but I wasn’t using it much.  I signed up for the Art, Heart & Healing class at http://www.willowing.ning.com/ which just happens to be a free class that can be taken at any time.  I will be painting a self portrait or something that represents me in my art journal in the next few days.  The class has video’s that teach you how to draw a face and what I’ve seen so far looks great.  I’m also doing a SOAR journal at at site called Just Be Yourself.  I can’t wait to get going on that one.  That is not really an art journal but it’s a way to make the most out of your year.  They have a lot of nice graphics that you can print up and paste into your journal.  Mine will definitely have some art in it though since I can’t help but doodle all over everything.

Well, today I was out for my doctor’s appointment and I wanted to go to Michael’s to look for some paint brushes.  I ended up buying a bunch more journals.  I bought a SMASH Journal by K & Company and some goodies to go with it.  They have a lot of neat accessories to go with their journals.

They have neat tabs, pockets to add to whatever pages you want, decorative tape, brads, paperclips, sticky note type markers…. etc.   They also have these small tablets with tear out pages that you can add… like say a to do list or a quote.  It depends on which ones you get.  The journal comes with a black pen with a glue stick on the other end but you can buy more of the pens with blue or pink ink.  I really wanted purple though so I bought a La Pen in Amethyst.   I bought the pink journal that you can see above.  I had actually planned on buying the blue journal since I really liked the design on the front but I didn’t like the designs on the inside pages as much as the pink one.  There are several different styles and I just assumed the inside pages would be the same but they actually revolve around a theme.  I bought some of the fabric tabs and some pockets for loose things.  I also bought these red & blue smash stickers that are like those sticky flags that I usually use for marking pages.  I also bought these pads of papers that you can use to add lists or whatever to your pages… I got the Blank smash pad for adding To-do lists or random thoughts I want to remember and the word of mouth smash pad for adding quotes.

My pink journal - The color is off. It really does look the same as the one pictured above.

I also bought a bunch of other smaller journals just for writing, some magnetic list pads for the frig, some note cards and some paint brushes which was the original reason for going LOL

Six smaller journals

More goodies :O)

I almost forgot about the Monogram D rubber stamp!

Lots of paint brushes!

I’m glad I didn’t forget the thing I actually went here for.  These were on sale.  I like buying things that have containers to keep them in.

My husband swung by and picked up McDonald’s for me so I could eat at home.  I didn’t want to get out of the car again since it was so cold.  I’m not sure I like those new chicken things.  They are like popcorn chicken but they are hard.  I think they are just overcooked but it seems like you get more batter than chicken.  The honey mustard sauce makes everything better though.  The best part is the fries though. Yum.

This was the second time I saw this new doctor since my old one suddenly changed where he worked and then was strangely never heard from again.  My husband went with me since he had some questions too.  He’s been very worried about me lately. She is going to change my medications around a bit and hopefully it will help the Fibromyalgia pain!  I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed that it does.  She also wants me to see some sort of therapist that supposedly can help with pain management.  Mmmmmmmm I’ve never heard of that.  I’ll have to do some research.  She ordered some labs and they only stuck me 4 times.  I had bandages all over me.  I actually felt bad for them because I know it’s me and not them.  I can tell when they are competent and they were.  The first girl was really kicking herself for sticking me twice so she called someone else.  The second lady is their super sticker queen and she even had to stick me twice.  They are going to test some vitamin levels and other stuff.  The doctor looked at my old labs and said my B12 levels have been low but that’s the first I’ve heard of that.  How annoying.  She is also testing Vitamin D levels this time around.  She is taking me off the narcotics that  I was on and having me try some muscle relaxants.  I’m also going to try raising the Cymbalta dose to 60mg again.  The first time I tried that it made me a zombie.  She said it does make you feel tired in the beginning and I should have been started gradually on it instead of taking 60mg right from the beginning.  So, I wonder if she knows her stuff…  I guess I’ll find out.  Hopefully I won’t end up in crazy pain or I’ll lost my mind.

Here we go… the prompt for this Sunday is…. Describe, in detail, the way you like to relax.

This would be so much easier if I didn’t have headache but I usually like to start with a cup of tea – a huge cup of tea.  I really like earl Grey.  I like it sweet and strong.  I like to take a good book and my cup of tea to the bathroom and run a hot bath with rose smelling bubbles.  After a few minutes of soaking I dry my hands and grab my book.  There is nothing better than soaking and reading a really good book.  I like lots of bubbles and total quiet.  No fans no kids no dogs.  I sometimes listen to quiet music but usually not loud enough to hear any words.  If I can hear the words it distracts me.  In the summer I switch out my hot tea for cold but it is still tea.  Sometimes I will paint my toe nails right there in the tub keeping my feet propped up on the edge to keep them dry.  I always feel better when my toes look nice.  Sometimes I like a bit of chocolate to make the time even more special.  Dark chocolate is the best.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Go here and find out how…  

Anyway, it sounded rather easy and I thought it might help me and even be fun.  I love painting and one of the things I really want to work on this year is branching out with my art.  I tend to draw just what I see.  I’m always trying to paint a photograph and get caught up in details.  It never even occurred to me until this past year that I could interprete the picture however I wanted.  I could leave out things or put things in different places!  I want to be more imaginative and creative in my art.  I love to look at other art and see what other artists do differently and try to learn from that.

I started taking watercolor lessons last fall from a local man by the name of Tom Nixon and I have really learned a lot.  Only problem is the cold keeps me grounded to my house.  I deal with a lot of pain from Fibromyalgia and even though I try not to let it slow me down the truth is it does.  The cold during winter causes the pain to intensify and then I can’t concentrate on art…. or anything.  Even if I bundle up and my car is in my warm garage… once I get out of my car I’m done.  I haven’t been able to get out for an art lesson or for anything for a long time and my spirits are way, WAY down.  So I thought this would be the perfect way for me to learn some things about art, especially more imaginative things, and to help myself heal on the inside at the same time.

I started to watch the first video and got stuck.  I followed her instructions and got my journal and wrote out all of my negative thoughts.  I was so surprised because they came pouring out like a flood and I started to cry.  I realized I’ve been holding in a lot of painful feelings…. trying to not let them show because I don’t want to burden others with them.  I especially try to keep my husband from worrying because he already worries enough about work and making enough money to pay the bills.  So, I suddenly realized that I have been carrying around a bunch of emotional junk and that is really stressful.

The next step in the program is to forgive yourself and then to write some positive things on another piece of paper.  I’m not very good at explaining this part.  It really helps to listen to Tam explain it.  After you have your piece of paper of positive things the negative words get covered up with layers of paint for the background of your artwork.

I never got past the negative words….. it is still very disheartening to look at it.   I did realize something though….  ALL of these things on my list are caused by the fibromyalgia and other health problems that go along with it.  Maybe I felt fat before but now I’ve gained much more weight and exercising hurts.   Even when I do exercise it isn’t enough to lose weight.  I just do what I can and eat healthy.  I also feel helpless sometimes.  It is really hard to have to rely on others so much.  I have always been very independent and suddenly I always need to ask for help.  It really is hard to ask my son to open my medication for me because my hands are hurting too bad.  I am only 40.  That is something I have to come to terms with though.  Reality can be so hard sometimes.  Put that on TV.

You know, it’s funny that I can’t seem to help myself until I think about helping others.  I remembered when I worked at the hospital and thought of a few of the people I worked with.  I remembered some of the conversations I had with them and thought, “Wait a minute!  Why did I know what to say to them then but now can’t help myself?”  I guess I was just designed to help others.   So I thought about what I would tell someone else in my position and all of these positive things came to mind.  It made me realize that telling someone those things may not have helped as much a I thought at the time BUT just knowing someone cares helps.   Just talking and listening to them helped.  I went back to thinking about what I would tell myself.  I ended up learning a lot.   I wrote it out and it was funny to me that I kept having to go back and edit the pronouns because I would always switch to talking to someone else and using “you” instead of “I”.

Anyone who has health problems that hold them back should read this too.  There are a lot of people out there that deal with other invisible illnesses or are stuck in wheel chairs, are limited by crutches, canes or walkers, deal with arthritis, MS….. I could go on and on and on….

—–***—–

It isn’t my fault that I have these limitations.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  I am not being punished by God.  I may be heavier than I want to be but I don’t need to be a model.  I can only do what I can do and be what I can be.  I have to be happy in my own skin, happy with who I am now.  It isn’t bad to ask for help.  Good people will love me for who I am and not who I was or could have been.  I am not a bad wife just because it hurts to be touched.  I am not a bad mother because I am sometimes too tired to make dinner.  I am not broken…. I am limited but I have to keep moving forward and work around my limitations.  There are no time machines so I can’t sit around waiting for things to go back to how they where before.  I have to be who I am right now.   There is always something that I can do!

—–***—–

I don’t know if that is what Tam with Willowing had in mind but I sure feel better.  I think I can cover up those words now and move on to painting.

Before I go though I found this article that was very inspirational for me.  It is about a man that climbed mount Everest and he has a great limitation – he has no legs.  This is a great example of working around limitations and finding out just what you CAN do!

• “Refuse to say the “F word”  (I have Fibromyalgia  and it has rearranged my life but I’m not going to let it rule me anymore.  My middle name isn’t Fibromyalgia and my blog isn’t about illness.”

Well, I was wrong and I am scratching it off my list.  Fibromyalgia is a part of me and it is impossible to not write about it since it is one of  “the many facets of donna”  which is the title of my blog.  Unfortunately, it is also part of many other people as well.  I have decided that instead of trying to hide it I need to help people understand it.  

It just occurred to me that many people don’t know what fibromyalgia even is or don’t realize just what it really means to a person who has it.  I mean, I didn’t know what it was when they told me I had it.  The truth is a person that has this will look perfectly normal.  They don’t look broken…….. they are not bruised or bleeding.  They don’t have a deformity that makes their condition obvious either.  And, many doctor’s don’t understand it themselves!  Many people go from doctor to doctor for years trying to figure out what is wrong with them actually hoping, as I did, that a test would show something wrong because any answer, no matter how bad, is better than not knowing.  Fibromyalgia is INVISIBLE but it is real…and there is no cure.  I deal with pain every day and so do a lot of other people who have Fibromyalgia and other “invisible” diseases or syndromes.

According to Wikipedia, Fibromyalgia is defined as…

fi·bro·my·al·gia/ˌfībrōmīˈalj(ē)ə/

Fibromyalgia causes a lot of pain and a lot of different types of pain.  I have muscle pain, joint pain, and nerve pain.  It can even affect tendons, ligaments and other connective tissues.  That is why I feel as if my bones are hurting when it is actually the connective tissue.   Sometimes I feel like I have a charlie horse in between my ribs.  That’s the connective tissue.  The nerve pain is the most irritating.  You know that ‘pins and needles’ feeling you sometimes get when your arm goes to sleep.  It’s kind of like that only it feels more like bees stinging me over and over and nothing makes it go away but time.  30 seconds of nerve pain seem like an eternity!  I live with this pain all the time…every day and night.  I actually have an implanted device in my hip that controls the worse pain through electronic stimulus and I have a remote for it that I have to carry with me every where I go so I can turn it up or down when needed.

I hate it when I go to church or run into someone at the grocery store and they smile and say, “hey, how are you doing?”  because I know they really don’t want to know.  I hurt.  I love it when a doctor asks where I am hurting.  It would be much easier to tell them where I don’t hurt and that could change any time.

Fibromyalgia also comes with a lot of fatigue and sleep problems.  A friend of mine who also has fibromyalgia can’t get enough sleep no matter how tired she is and I am always sleeping.  I feel like I’m sleeping my life away.  I want to get up in the morning and see the sun shining in my windows and feel the fresh air at dawn……. but many times I wake up in the afternoon after going to bed early and sleeping all night and I still feel tired.  Sometimes I have slept a full 24 hours at a time.  I slept through Thanksgiving and Christmas and my husband made the holiday dinners.

Fibromyalgia is also coupled with many other problems.  I had no idea that these problems I had were all related.  I have RLS (Restless Leg syndrome)  and migraines which are some of them.  I have horrible dry eyes and have to put ointment in my eyes at night and heavy oil drops in my eyes during the day.  That is also connected to Fibromyalgia as well as being highly sensitive to medications and everything else.  I can’t handle the recommended doses of the medications they use to treat Fibromyalgia or I would be sleeping all day all the time.  I also am allergic to a lot of soaps and cleaners and get random, unexplained rashes.  There are many other things that are also related conditions but really, the point that I am trying to make is how hard this is on the people who have this.  It seems as if they are falling apart at the seams and many people think it’s all in their heads…… or that they have become a hypochondriac.  People start to distance themselves from them and they feel alone.  I should say I feel alone.  When friends are going hiking I can’t go because even walking around the block is a challenge for me.  I can’t go skiing because I have even more pain when I get cold.  Just going outside to get in my car in winter time causes me to have too much pain so I miss going to church and most of the time my husband does all the shopping so I can stay home and warm.  Even the walking around in the grocery store  is hard for me now but I used to love some of these things.  I used to be normal! I used to love riding my bike really fast and far….  I loved walking my dog down to the river.  I never had any of these problems until 3 or 4 years ago.  Slowly over time it has grown into a huge Elephant standing between me and normalcy.

The hardest thing(s) about having Fibromyalgia has been losing my job and losing my friends…. being socially alienated. I loved my job as a CNA/Endo Tech  but had to quit because I didn’t want to harm anyone.  A CNA is strength and support for someone that is weak, someone who doesn’t make errors when performing tests or taking biopsies or other specimens.  Someone who is sure when they are scared.  I was when I started but then I became weak and less sure of myself.  I was always exhausted with dark circles under my eyes and my hands shook making patients unsure of me.  When I was in pain my thinking wasn’t clear.  I worried that I would make a mistake or let someone fall.  So I quit the best job I ever had.  Now I am a “stay at home mom” to 2 teenage boys that no longer need me.  Actually, a lot of the time it seems as if the roles have been reversed.  When I can’t get out of bed one of my boys will make and bring me something to eat.  My youngest son has taken it upon himself to make sure I drink enough water.  Sometimes when I’m having one of my marathon sleeping sessions my oldest son will wake me up with a bowl of soup or sandwich or my youngest son will have a bottle of water for me – telling me I haven’t drank anything for x amount of  hours.

I’m not telling you this so you will feel sorry for me.  I’m telling you this because there are other people who have this too…maybe you work with them or maybe they are even part of your family.  Maybe you think they are crazy.  According to the National Arthritis Foundation, “The typical fibromyalgia patient is a woman between the ages of 30 and 50 years. Prevalence studies in the United States indicate that fibromyalgia affects about three to five percent of adult women and about 0.5 percent of adult men. Prevalence increases with age but the syndrome is also seen in children.”  If you think about how many people there are that is actually quite a lot!  So if you know someone with this PLEASE be considerate.  Be there for them.  Don’t let them hurt alone – in silence.  It is hard enough to deal with the pain and all of the issues without feeling like you have no friends or loved-ones who understand.

Below is a poem that I wrote when I was in horrible pain.  Back before the doctors had figured out what it was.  This was a very low point in time for me and many other people feel this too.

Broken

I’m broken
My body ebbs with pain
Never ceasing
Never tame

I want to be whole again
And do my part
Help shoulder the burden
That I helped start

From where I sit
I see things undone
I’m taunted, haunted
By things undone

I pray for relief
I long to break free
Let me out of this prison
that no one can see

I’m broken
Wondering why
Please dear God
Hear my cry

Copywrite Donna Capps

AKA Kay Raisy

Okay, so then I took some stuff and after a while started to feel better.  Yay.  I started thinking about Valentine’s Day and what I could do for my husband this year since I have no money.  I need to get creative.  My husband isn’t into the cheesy stuff so I need to think of something sweet, unique and cheap.  Hmmmmmm  anyway, I ended up going pinterest crazy.  I pinned about a million things today.  I was going to put some here but couldn’t decide which ones and there are a lot.  So you can click here to check out my pin board called “My Valentine So Sweet“.  If you need an invite to pinterest just holla!  Of course I didn’t find what I was looking for……  but I will figure it out.

Then, when I decided I wanted to watch American Idol my TV wouldn’t work….. you know the TV that is networked to the whole house.   I wish I could just turn on cable and watch TV like normal but noooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I was so bummed because this is the first year I have ever watched American Idol while it’s going on.  I’ve only watch youtube after it was over…… sometimes years later LOL  I actually just watched the last two years this winter…..backwards.  Not actually backwards but I watched 2011 first and then I watched 2010.  Of course I didn’t see nearly as much as there was since youtube deletes everything.  Anyway, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t watch the show but my kids told me to just wait because it looked like it was being recorded.  It was set to record as a backup.  That was a good idea!  Well, after the show was over and recorded my kids started working on it and now at almost midnight it is actually working!  So, I can finally watch American Idol today…. and tomorrow since it will be past midnight when it’s over.

So, bad day……… good day….. bad day…..good day…. done!!!!!!!!

I love trying to think of ways to use what would otherwise be waste for something useful.  I’ve seen a lot of uses on pinterest.com for toilet paper rolls lately and I think that’s great. There are some beautiful things made with them like this…..

See? I love that!

So anyway, I was trying to get ride of some clutter and I was thinking… What can you make with old CD’s?  I also had a stack of old magazines that I hated to just waste.

Here’s what I did.  I found a page in a magazine with some pretty flowers and traced around the CD with a fine tip marker.

Cut out the circle staying on the inside of the line you traced.

Then look through the magazine for words or letters that you can add to the picture.  There are so many things you can do.  You can also cut rectangles out of colored sections to “frame” the text you want to use.

I used a glue stick to position them on my background piece.

After I had that finished I used a flat paint brush and applied a thin layer of Mod Podge to the CD.  I carefully positioned the circle of paper to the cd trying to push out wrinkles and air bubbles.  You need to try to avoid the center area where there is a hole in the CD.  You don’t want to push through the paper that is softened by the mod podge.  After that has dried brush a layer of Mod Podge over the top and if you want you can touch a bit to the back where the hole is to strengthen it.  Once that is dry you can embellish with some paint or markers, stickers, etc and then add another layer of mod podge to seal it.  No need to worry about newspaper to cover the table.  Just use the magazine.  I also found that glossy magazine pages are great for mixing paint on.  Use Super glue or hot glue to add a magnet to the back of your CD.  There are so many things you can do!  Paint the CD with chalk board paint or glue a paper pocket for holding  coupons or other things you want to remember.  You could even take a large paperclip and bend the top out at slight angel in the middle.  Use hot glue to add it to the back for a wall hanger.

Add a quote you like or a motto to help you through a challenge like weight loss.  The refrigerator is a great place for a reminder if you are trying to eat healthier.

I found another useful idea too.   I made this so my kids will know when the dishwasher needs to be emptied and when they can put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of filling up the sink.

I blotted orange and gold acrylic paint around the edges to give it a boarder.  After that dried I added another coat of modge podge to seal it.  I also used a nail file on the edge once it was dry to get rid of any overlapping paper.

The word “Clean” was right on the cover of a Real Simple magazine so that was easy.  At first I was really frustrated trying to find the word “dirty” or letters that looked good together.  I really wanted the font to be the same.  I thought I was going to have to print something and then I found the phase “dinner party” in the same magazine.  All I had to do was snip the parts I wanted and paste them together.

What have you upcycled?

Well, when I got around to looking at the recipes I found a couple I really wanted to try.  Tonight I made “Crunchy Chicken Tenders” and they were really good!  The recipe cards are by Everyday cooking my way just in case you want to buy a new house to house some new recipe cards….or, you can just snag those free ones like I did (and scan them).  I was going to check and see if these are just an updated version of the recipe cards I collected when I first got married (20 years ago) but I can’t remember which cabinet I stuck them in.

I completely forgot to make the dip but I’ll do that next time.  I have enough ingredients to make this again and I WILL make this again since everyone in my family actually ate the same meal for once.   There is also another recipe I really want to try.  My husband can’t wait.

The NaBloPoMo Prompt for today is….

How do you feel about not finishing a book once you’ve read a few chapters?

I can’t not finish the book unless it is REALLY REALLY REALLY bad.  Otherwise I will always wonder if I missed something and it could POSSIBLY get better at some point.  AND, no matter how bad the story is I HAVE to know how it ended.  There have been times when I’ve stuck it out and ended up really enjoying the ending.  There have, of course, been other times when I just told everyone to never read it, removed any evidence that I touched it and donated it to a thrift store in case some poor unsuspecting soul might actually like it.  There has only been one book that I didn’t finish and it hit the wall on the other side of the room before the end of the first chapter.  I’m not telling what book it was since I don’t remember.  So, what about you?  Do you ever STOP reading a book?