On the inside looking out
05 Jan 2012 5 Comments
in Personal notes, Photos Tags: bane of my existence, beginnings, heart shaped box, kitchen window, mom, NaBloPoMo, photography, roses, silk flowers, Window, yellow, yellow roses, youtube
It has warmed up to -18 degrees F. Still brrr. I was in a lot of pain yesterday so I decided not to sneak outside for a picture. I still captured the snow covered landscape though….. through my kitchen window. I had been cleaning my sink. It is white porcelain so it always looks dirty. It was the builder’s idea since he wanted to show off the house after it was finished. He also threw in a white faucet. I wish I had put more thought into that because now it is the bane of my existence.
I always think of my mom when I’m in the kitchen. That’s why I have some of her things in the window sill along with a few other things that make me think of her. That plant is a part from a plant she gave me when I moved into my first home. My mom had a plant like that with really long vines that went all around the kitchen and over the doorway to the kitchen. One day when I was younger I went running through the house and a vine had fallen and was hanging across the kitchen doorway. I ripped right through it. I was so upset that I had broken her plant but she said it was alright. She put the end into a glass of water so it could root. Many years later when I got married and was moving into my first real home my mom gave me that plant. It is actually much bigger than the one in the window. That is just a part that broke off and I did what she did and started another plant. It was bigger but the vine touched the window and got too cold. So now it’s looking a little sad.
When my mom died and I went back to Georgia for the funeral I found that glass box with little yellow silk roses and a little bird inside. My sister said I should take it since I collect boxes. My mom loved yellow roses. Not because they were her favorite but because they were her mom’s favorite. There is another shallow heart-shaped box there that has yellow roses painted on the lid. On the other side of the plant is a small glass sugar bowl that was in her kitchen window. I cried when I saw it because she always did that. I knew right away what was inside…. the head of a silk rose and underneath were several apple seeds. She was always trying to plant apple seeds from apples she ate. Every now and then I clean the dish and count those seeds. There are 27. That’s a lot of apples.
The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is What is the hardest part about a beginning?
Not knowing how it will turn out. I tend to be a perfectionist and want everything to be perfect. Every time I start a new project I feel stressed because I want everything to be perfect but most of the time it isn’t. When I start a crochet or knitting project I can unravel a wrong stitch and start over but some things can’t be fixed so easily. Every time I pick up a paint brush to paint a picture I have this panicking feeling that I’m going to ruin it. Life can’t always be perfect though and we still have to plunge in and do the best we can. Sometimes the mistakes turn into small blessings.
I started crocheting a winter headband today. It shouldn’t take me long to finish. I’m following this youtube video by Crochet Geek. I’ll probably post a picture tomorrow. The yarn is really pretty. It’s red heart Candy Print which is a variegated yarn with dark pinks. Very pretty.
A little Nostalgic
09 Nov 2011 3 Comments
in Knitting, Personal notes Tags: beagle, dog, knitting, mom, nostalgia, pictures, shadow box
Thinking back to when I was a kid… I miss those days sometimes. Not that I miss living at home. I really like having my own home and not having to live by someone elses rules that don’t make sense to me. I just miss those days when I was a kid and played all day in the sunshine. I miss riding my banana seat bike and doing tricks on it that would bring my mom running outside screaming at me to get down. I would get going really fast and then stand on the seat with one foot on the steering wheel (I was always barefoot and used my toes to keep the handle bar straight) and put my hands out until I lost momentum and had to get down. I was always a tom boy… looking back at the pictures I was a dirty little girl with dirty hair and face like Mogli from jungle book. Well, at least after the age of 5. My sister, who is 13 years older than me, left home when I was 5 so the pictures of me from that time were always cute. I was usually dressed up in cute little dresses… usually red with my auburn hair in pigtails. I miss my sister a lot! She and I look a lot alike! Funny thing is, even though she left home when I was only 5 and after that she was in another state and I hardly ever saw her, we still do many things the same and like the same things. When I went down for the funeral I went shopping for a pair of shoes to wear with my dress. I wanted something nice but comfortable and sandal-like that I could wear the whole time I was there. I tried on everything in the whole store and finally decided on a pair. With the shoe on my foot I stuck it out to show my sister and she laughed and stuck out her foot. They were the same shoes. Then while we were waiting in line to pay for our stuff she started putting on some lipgloss. I couldn’t believe it…. I had the exact same kind/color in my purse. She also makes her coffee the same way I do. Well, I can’t have caffeine anymore so I don’t drink coffee but she is the only one who can make me a cup of coffee exactly the way I like it!
Okay, staying on the same theme of Nostalgia, I took a picture of a different type of box this time. This one is a shadow box frame. (for some reason my post got snipped at this point the first time and I had to re-write the rest!)
Inside there are pictures of various times of my mom’s life from her senior dance to the birth of my first baby to smiling at my youngest son… to her in her flower garden happy as a clam! There is a small pill box I found in her things that had a pretty flower design on top, a small book containing the “footprints” poem, and a cross stitch of a feedsack she was working on with the needle still hanging. There is a cross necklace that I bought her for Christmas and various pins that she wore of angels and american flags – things that were important to her. The cardinal was her favorite bird and that cardinal is designed to sit on a flower pot. I bought her that one and a blue jay for myself. The roses are from her funeral.
I’m still knitting my sweater and I’ve gotten several inches of stockinette done now. I have to get it to 14 1/2 inches total before the pattern changes. I really need to work on a baby blanket for my niece’s baby though. The baby is here now and his blanket isn’t done yet!!!! I think I’ll work on it tomorrow.
Blue jumped up in my lap again but this time I was ready! I saw the signs LOL I managed to get some pictures which is really hard to do because she is so close. I put my iPhone in front of my laptop screen and switched the camera to the front screen (a very cool funtion!)
Then she turns belly up wanting her tummy rubbed!
Shhhh! Don’t tell – she’s not allowed on the couch!
Then she got curious about the camera and we got a close up LOL
Once upon a time…
05 Nov 2011 13 Comments
in Family, Personal notes Tags: alaska, cold, comfort food, daughter, death, memories, mom, sadness
…there was a princess who lived with her mother, the queen.
But the queen died and I so miss my mom. I have been thinking about her a lot lately – Falling back to crystal clear childhood memories of a beautiful smiling face with straight black hair that fell down her back like smooth satin. Her hair wasn’t like mine at all….. my hair is dark brown and fizzy if I’m not careful. Her hair was smooth and shiny – like a river of black flowing down her back. I remember how everyone asked her if she was greek and she would laugh. My mom was part Seminole indian and had this charitable heart of gold. The thing she loved most about receiving gifts was to give them again to someone who was down.
She died on Feb 16th, 2008 and the events of that day play over and over in my head like a movie I can’t stop. My mom was sick with colitis and we were all worried about her….. but people don’t die from colitis. My sister was driving to see her and talking to me on the phone (headset). My oldest brother was already there. My sister had just talked to him and had called me after and I remember that something she said made me suddenly worry. She told me I should just call and talk to them but I decided to wait till later. Not long after we hung up she called me back and I can still hear her voice yelling “Donna, mama died!” and next thing I knew I was crying uncontrollably into the kitchen linoleum. My husband picked me up and took me to bed and arranged everything….. He was a Godsend during that time.
Well, for some reason I’ve been thinking of her a lot these last few weeks. I actually dyed my hair black to see if I would look more like she did in my memories. I used a dye that washes out in 28 washes just in case I looked more like Elvira. Of course I don’t have the boobs for that though. I determined that it didn’t make much difference since I can still see my dad’s side of the family in me but for some reason my husband has been wanting me to wash my hair more often.
Last night I made myself some tomato soup with rice in it. My mom used to make that for me when I was not feeling well only she didn’t use Campbell’s soup and minute rice. It wasn’t the same but it was close. It made me cry and wish she were here so I could tell her I miss her.
Brrrr!
My husband I went out to run some errands today and I got cold again. It was pretty out though and the sky was mostly clear and the sun was bright! The frozen black branches of the birches glittered like they were coated in sugar. I love it when my husband drives and I can take pictures through the car window… sometimes I use them for paintings later and just omit things like telephone poles and taco bells banners.
I went by the library and picked up a book I’ve been wanting to read called Forgotten Household Crafts. It must be a good book because every time I tried to find it, it was already checked out. Or it was in North Pole. Maybe Mrs. Claus was reading it? 
There actually is a small town about 30 minutes from here called North Pole and it is decorated like Christmas all year around. Anyway, this time I wised up and put the book on hold and now it’s here waiting for me to read! For now I need to paint though… my brushes are calling me.
*Edit: My face painting is pretty much as finished as it’s going to get. I think it’s okay for a first painted face but I’m hoping to get better. I can’t wait to see what my watercolor teacher thinks of this one.
Finished face
This is later in the day when the sun was heading to bed
Black as my heart feels
29 Oct 2011 3 Comments
in Personal notes Tags: black, death, friends, hair, halloween, mom, party, sadness
I don’t know why exactly but I’m really missing my mom these days. She’s been gone since 2.16.2008…. and even though that’s been a few years it seems like yesterday. I guess it’s because of Halloween and I’ve been noticing all the Halloween stuff in the store and everyone seems to have their hair dyed black. Well, my mom had black hair and it was straight and really long…. well it was when I was younger. Everyone tells me I look a lot like her but my hair is dark brown and not a little wavy. So I started wondering….. if I dyed my hair black and straightened it, would I look like she did in my memories? Well, it’s done… I got one of those boxes of non-permanant hair color that washes out in 28 shampoos. Now I just have to straighten it. Hmmmm I wonder…… will I see her again in the mirror.
Coincidentally, I have been invited to a Halloween party at a friend’s house. So I bought a costume and my hair will actually go with it. I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in years and years and years. It seems so strange but I could really use a night of fun and laughter. I am going to do my nails too and I haven’t done that in a long time either! Wowzers! I hope I have fun. I have been kinda sick (catching something) and was laying down most of yesterday feeling queezy… so hopefully that wont cause any issues for me and ruin a fun evening.
I’ll take lots of pictures!
Missing my mom
28 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Personal notes Tags: boys, memories, mom, Mother, reflection
“The older I get the more of my mother I see in myself.” ― Nancy Friday
It would be so much easier if that weren’t true but it is. It makes me sad when I look in the mirror and realize how much I look like her………. or when I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and have a little start because I thought I saw her for a minute. I wish I could sit down and talk with her a little while about my boys and hers. I know she would want to know about mine and that she would tell me everything is going to be okay since hers turned out okay. I wish I could hear her sing or hum one last time…. “Hush little baby don’t you cry….daddy’s going buy you a mockingbird”
Miss you Mama
Mother’s Day
10 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in Knitting, Personal notes Tags: facebook, INUA, kids, knitting, mom, Mother, Ravelry, yarn
Mother’s day is kind of hard for me now that my mom isn’t here so I have been kind of glum for a while. I tried to keep that out of my mind for today though. I woke up this morning with my husband and my youngest son bring me breakfast in bed. My youngest brought me coffee doctored up just the way I like it and he hung out and visited with me for a while. He is such a sweet kid. My oldest must have stayed up too late because he slept most of the day. That’s alright though. I’ve been happy to just hang out in my room today. I’m learning to knit socks and I’m really enjoying myself. Between the knitting and facebook and been quite content here.
(part of) my first sock!
So here are my socks. I love the color of the yarn I’m using. I have another ball too that is varigated shades of green. I couldn’t make up my mind so I bought it to make my next socks. Look me up if you use Ravelry.com. My username is Bugbutt and the pattern and all the details is on there.
I’m taking a beginning sock knitting class at Inua wool shoppe so there is someone helping me when I goof up. I don’t think I wouldn’t have gotten very far without her help! Inua’s wool shoppe is like a candy store for me. I just stood there and drooled! I’ll be back in there next Saturday for my 2nd class and I hope I don’t get into trouble with the husband for spending too much money. I was lucky to make it out of there without heaping bags of yarn this last time. Okay, back to knitting…..
Quote of the day
09 May 2009 1 Comment
in Quotes Tags: mom, Mother, poem, Quotes
“My mother is a poem I’ll never be able to write, though everything I write is a poem to my mother.”
—Sharon Doubiago
Don’t worry ’bout me
03 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
in Personal notes Tags: Alan Jackson, lyrics, mom, Sissy's song
My mom
One day last week I heard this song on the radio and it reached in my chest and grabbed my heart. I was just about to go into Jo-anns and I sat there in my car and cried and cried…. a man stopped and looked at me and I had to wave to him that I was okay. This song just really makes me miss my mama.
Sissy’s Song by Alan Jackson
Why did she have to go
So young I just don’t know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
It’s hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I’ll cherish
And I won’t cry ’cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don`t worry ’bout me
Lucky dog
31 Jan 2009 Leave a Comment
in Personal notes, Worthy of Note Tags: breast cancer, cancer, dog, lucky, mom, sister
I found this in my email. I haven’t been on the computer much so I had over 3000 emails. I didn’t read most of the forwards but this one caught my eye. Maybe it was because it was from my big sis :O) Anyway, it’s a heart touching story about someone who beat breast cancer and their wonderful dog Lucky. My mom had breast cancer so I’m sure that is why both my sis and I liked it. I think anyone would love it though, especially an animal lover.
_____________
Lucky Dog….
Anyone who has pets will really like this. You’ll like it even if you don’t and you may even decide you need one!
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named ‘Lucky.’ Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky’s toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky’s other favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease . . . in fact, she was just sure it was fatal.
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her . . . what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary’s dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won’t understand that I didn’t want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn’t even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn’t come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn’t understand what was wrong. She couldn’t move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It’s been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember . . . live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget . . . the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God .
