I’m still alive

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I have been in a hole…. a dark one.  That happens from time to time.  I’ll be tripping along through life full of optimism and trying to fill my days the best I can and then the ground falls out from under me and I find myself sitting in the dark with no drive to get up.  I am constantly reading anything that can encourage me but sometimes it just feels like I’m looking at people through glass store fronts and don’t have what it takes to get the happiness they have.  I feel so poor and dejected but I know that it is just a feeling and not reality.  It is depression.

I have had an increase in aches and pains lately which seems to contradict the beautiful sunshine that has been spilling in my windows.  Spring is coming and I have been waiting impatiently for it but since I have been so immobile because of the pain I have lost a lot of muscle tone.  My muscles are all tight and weak.  In an attempt to find something to motivate myself I called the Cooperative Extension at the University to inquire about gardening classes.  This is something I am passionate about.  I was disappointed to find that the master gardener class was already filled but I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to keep up anyway.  They did tell me about a class being taught by one of the master gardeners and they said if I called “right away” I might be able to get in.  It was only $10 to secure a spot but the class had already reached its limit.  I must have sounded desperate because they told me if I came the next day with the $10 I could attend.  I did.  When I walked in she said, “Are you Donna?”.  I told her I was and she said, “good because you’re the last one I’m taking”.   I was so relieved and excited.  This is a lecture type class which is perfect since I can just listen and take notes and then use what information I need to improve my little garden.  That way I can make sure I don’t get in over my head.  My goal is to grow enough veggies for myself and for a little extra.  I want to take some to the Rescue Mission.

The only problem is I have a hard time sitting for the 2 hours.  My back starts to ache and I have to get up and move around.  The room is crowded and there isn’t much room (the chairs are packed together so everyone is elbow to elbow) and I don’t want to leave the room and miss anything.  The class is once a week for 8 classes and it is about half way through.  Every time I go to a class I come home in such pain I end up taking a stronger medication that knocks me out.  The pain continues through the next day too and it takes a lot out of me. I talked to my doctor and she checked me out.  She said some of my muscles are very tight and “balled up”.  She recommended massage and told me I needed to stretch and exercise – specifically yoga and some cardio type exercise.  I have found the huge exercise ball I have very helpful with this.  I lay over it (with it under my back) and stretch my arms to the floor.  This stretches that muscle that screams at me during the classes.  I did make it to church the Sunday before last but only for the first hour.  I couldn’t stay for Sunday School or anything else.  I was in such agony that I was shaking and didn’t want to get to the point where I couldn’t drive myself back home.  I’m glad the drive is a short one.

Exercising isn’t easy for me but I know I have to do it to get stronger.  Tonight is another class and hopefully this one will be easier for me.  Last time I took a small pillow to sit on and that helped.  It is just awkward taking a pillow to class.  Oh well, it isn’t like I’m a teenager anymore.  I have met a really nice couple there that I usually sit with.  I’m so glad to have met them even though I don’t know them very well.  I sit by the older man and we occasionally we find something to chuckle about.  He usually saves me a seat by putting his coffee on it and I’m grateful for that small gesture of friendship.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading these days.  That is actually ALL I want to do.  I just read two books that I had already read but couldn’t remember.  I guess I’ll never run out of things to read now that I’m getting older and apparently senile.  I loved the Blossom Street Series but when I was reading it before I was frustrated because I got the books out of order and then I found out there was a short story that tied into the story line that was part of a book called, “More Than Words: Volume 2”.  This is a book about real women who have made a difference in the lives of others and it is comprised of several short stories by well known women writers.  It appears to be an annual publication.  Volume 2 contained a story called “What Amanda Wants” which is about a teen-aged girl who found out her cancer had come back just before her senior year of high school.  She tied it in with the Blossom Street story and it took off right where the second book left off.  It is a very touching story and reminds me why I HATE short stories.  It never fails – if they are good they are always TOO short.  I love this series written by Debbie Macomber because it is about friends.  I think that is what I am missing right now.

Now I am going to finish reading that book of short stories which has 4 more stories.  I have also decided to read the Bible from front to back.  I’ve always planned to do that but have never made it.  It is funny how I always seem to pick up something “new” even from passages I’ve read several times before.   I am currently still in Genesis but I hope to make it much further than last time.   I am also reading a book on Tatting that I had started several months ago.  I love tatting but I haven’t made anything in a long while.  I picked that book up and found myself eager to try some of the ideas in the book.  This book is an older one that talks about even older techniques.  I love how they show ideas that very old and hope people will revitalize them.  I especially love learning about crafts that women did ages ago and learning how to do them.  Women used to make their own clothes and decorate them with special touches of lace they made themselves.  This book called “Tatting Techniques” by Elgiva Nicholls has really inspired me.  My library really wants it back though and I better hurry up and finish it.

Well, I plan on coming back tomorrow and the next day….  I think I need to write and exercise my “bean” too.

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6 responses »

  1. Sorry you’ve been down. I know how sitting in strange hard chairs can have painful repercussions. So nice of them to save a seat for you, though.

    I know I have to move. If I sit or lie in one place too long I pay for that just as much as when I move around too much. You kind of have to dance between a rock and a hard place. I have to get up and stretch regularly all day long or my back and shoulders stiffen up worse than they already are. That exercise ball sounds like it works for you. Hang in there! Enjoy your classes. 🙂

    • Thanks Rita, and thank you for your letter too. I really appreciated that. I always love receiving cards and letters but they are even better when I’ve been down and depressed.

    • Sorry to worry you. Thank you for your card too. I really wish I could talk my husband into moving to a warmer area – especially Texas since my big sister and little brother are in San Antonio. I’d love to see your little family too. Your girls are so cute!

  2. Donna,
    I really enjoyed meeting with you the other day. Sorry, you have to live with the pain that you do. Pray to the one who can ease your pain….. Matthew 11:28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
    Try and keep your spirits up, and when you can’t do that give me a call. I can come visit and we’ll do something to turn that 😦 to a :). I’ll be calling soon to find out when we can visit ya.
    Your VT,
    Nancy W.

    Cheer up Donna, there’s so much you can do,
    Don’t dwell on the pain ‘cause it’ll only cause rain,
    Imagine a garden filled with flowers galore,
    Then a sunny day and a rainbow hard to ignore,
    The smell of the garden is fragrant and sweet,
    Feel the warmth of the sunshine coming in the window,
    See the prism of colors in the rainbow above,

    Now smile at God’s creations, let him encircle you with his love,
    Remember you are a child of God, with abilities to overcome,
    Pray for his comfort to have the pain set aside from,
    Your body and mind uniting it with his spirit,
    Give it up to him so you’ll never have to fear it.

    NCW

  3. Yes Sis come on to Texas!!! we would love for you to come, Now would be good, I was just talking to Bob – there is some Jobs opening up were he works, that I think Chris may like if he want to look into. Just think of all we could do together. Miss you and love you even more.

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