This is the fifth Christmas without you and it is so hard to not be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you. I want to make you a beautiful shawl in the softest red yarn. I know how you love red. I want to give you a dozen red roses mixed with a dozen white roses because you deserve the best. I wish I could have you over for Christmas dinner and sing Christmas songs with you. But of course, I can’t. I can’t do any of those things.
I bought an Amaryllis and planted it in memory of you. Every year since you’ve been gone I have gotten so sad when I saw those flowers in the stores at Christmas time because I know they were your favorite. This year I decided to get one and it is tall and ready to open soon. I know you can’t be here when it opens but I will be thinking of you.
Oh, and mama, a horrible thing happened today and a bunch of innocent little children have gone to heaven along with some of those that cared for them at school. Please hug each one and sooth their spirit. I know you would be the best angel to guide them home.
It has warmed up to -18 degrees F. Still brrr. I was in a lot of pain yesterday so I decided not to sneak outside for a picture. I still captured the snow covered landscape though….. through my kitchen window. I had been cleaning my sink. It is white porcelain so it always looks dirty. It was the builder’s idea since he wanted to show off the house after it was finished. He also threw in a white faucet. I wish I had put more thought into that because now it is the bane of my existence.
I always think of my mom when I’m in the kitchen. That’s why I have some of her things in the window sill along with a few other things that make me think of her. That plant is a part from a plant she gave me when I moved into my first home. My mom had a plant like that with really long vines that went all around the kitchen and over the doorway to the kitchen. One day when I was younger I went running through the house and a vine had fallen and was hanging across the kitchen doorway. I ripped right through it. I was so upset that I had broken her plant but she said it was alright. She put the end into a glass of water so it could root. Many years later when I got married and was moving into my first real home my mom gave me that plant. It is actually much bigger than the one in the window. That is just a part that broke off and I did what she did and started another plant. It was bigger but the vine touched the window and got too cold. So now it’s looking a little sad.
When my mom died and I went back to Georgia for the funeral I found that glass box with little yellow silk roses and a little bird inside. My sister said I should take it since I collect boxes. My mom loved yellow roses. Not because they were her favorite but because they were her mom’s favorite. There is another shallow heart-shaped box there that has yellow roses painted on the lid. On the other side of the plant is a small glass sugar bowl that was in her kitchen window. I cried when I saw it because she always did that. I knew right away what was inside…. the head of a silk rose and underneath were several apple seeds. She was always trying to plant apple seeds from apples she ate. Every now and then I clean the dish and count those seeds. There are 27. That’s a lot of apples.
The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is What is the hardest part about a beginning?
Not knowing how it will turn out. I tend to be a perfectionist and want everything to be perfect. Every time I start a new project I feel stressed because I want everything to be perfect but most of the time it isn’t. When I start a crochet or knitting project I can unravel a wrong stitch and start over but some things can’t be fixed so easily. Every time I pick up a paint brush to paint a picture I have this panicking feeling that I’m going to ruin it. Life can’t always be perfect though and we still have to plunge in and do the best we can. Sometimes the mistakes turn into small blessings.
I started crocheting a winter headband today. It shouldn’t take me long to finish. I’m following this youtube video by Crochet Geek. I’ll probably post a picture tomorrow. The yarn is really pretty. It’s red heart Candy Print which is a variegated yarn with dark pinks. Very pretty.
Thinking back to when I was a kid… I miss those days sometimes. Not that I miss living at home. I really like having my own home and not having to live by someone elses rules that don’t make sense to me. I just miss those days when I was a kid and played all day in the sunshine. I miss riding my banana seat bike and doing tricks on it that would bring my mom running outside screaming at me to get down. I would get going really fast and then stand on the seat with one foot on the steering wheel (I was always barefoot and used my toes to keep the handle bar straight) and put my hands out until I lost momentum and had to get down. I was always a tom boy… looking back at the pictures I was a dirty little girl with dirty hair and face like Mogli from jungle book. Well, at least after the age of 5. My sister, who is 13 years older than me, left home when I was 5 so the pictures of me from that time were always cute. I was usually dressed up in cute little dresses… usually red with my auburn hair in pigtails. I miss my sister a lot! She and I look a lot alike! Funny thing is, even though she left home when I was only 5 and after that she was in another state and I hardly ever saw her, we still do many things the same and like the same things. When I went down for the funeral I went shopping for a pair of shoes to wear with my dress. I wanted something nice but comfortable and sandal-like that I could wear the whole time I was there. I tried on everything in the whole store and finally decided on a pair. With the shoe on my foot I stuck it out to show my sister and she laughed and stuck out her foot. They were the same shoes. Then while we were waiting in line to pay for our stuff she started putting on some lipgloss. I couldn’t believe it…. I had the exact same kind/color in my purse. She also makes her coffee the same way I do. Well, I can’t have caffeine anymore so I don’t drink coffee but she is the only one who can make me a cup of coffee exactly the way I like it!
Okay, staying on the same theme of Nostalgia, I took a picture of a different type of box this time. This one is a shadow box frame. (for some reason my post got snipped at this point the first time and I had to re-write the rest!)
Inside there are pictures of various times of my mom’s life from her senior dance to the birth of my first baby to smiling at my youngest son… to her in her flower garden happy as a clam! There is a small pill box I found in her things that had a pretty flower design on top, a small book containing the “footprints” poem, and a cross stitch of a feedsack she was working on with the needle still hanging. There is a cross necklace that I bought her for Christmas and various pins that she wore of angels and american flags – things that were important to her. The cardinal was her favorite bird and that cardinal is designed to sit on a flower pot. I bought her that one and a blue jay for myself. The roses are from her funeral.
I’m still knitting my sweater and I’ve gotten several inches of stockinette done now. I have to get it to 14 1/2 inches total before the pattern changes. I really need to work on a baby blanket for my niece’s baby though. The baby is here now and his blanket isn’t done yet!!!! I think I’ll work on it tomorrow.
Blue jumped up in my lap again but this time I was ready! I saw the signs LOL I managed to get some pictures which is really hard to do because she is so close. I put my iPhone in front of my laptop screen and switched the camera to the front screen (a very cool funtion!)
Then she turns belly up wanting her tummy rubbed!
Then she got curious about the camera and we got a close up LOL
…there was a princess who lived with her mother, the queen.
But the queen died and I so miss my mom. I have been thinking about her a lot lately – Falling back to crystal clear childhood memories of a beautiful smiling face with straight black hair that fell down her back like smooth satin. Her hair wasn’t like mine at all….. my hair is dark brown and fizzy if I’m not careful. Her hair was smooth and shiny – like a river of black flowing down her back. I remember how everyone asked her if she was greek and she would laugh. My mom was part Seminole indian and had this charitable heart of gold. The thing she loved most about receiving gifts was to give them again to someone who was down.
She died on Feb 16th, 2008 and the events of that day play over and over in my head like a movie I can’t stop. My mom was sick with colitis and we were all worried about her….. but people don’t die from colitis. My sister was driving to see her and talking to me on the phone (headset). My oldest brother was already there. My sister had just talked to him and had called me after and I remember that something she said made me suddenly worry. She told me I should just call and talk to them but I decided to wait till later. Not long after we hung up she called me back and I can still hear her voice yelling “Donna, mama died!” and next thing I knew I was crying uncontrollably into the kitchen linoleum. My husband picked me up and took me to bed and arranged everything….. He was a Godsend during that time.
Well, for some reason I’ve been thinking of her a lot these last few weeks. I actually dyed my hair black to see if I would look more like she did in my memories. I used a dye that washes out in 28 washes just in case I looked more like Elvira. Of course I don’t have the boobs for that though. I determined that it didn’t make much difference since I can still see my dad’s side of the family in me but for some reason my husband has been wanting me to wash my hair more often.
Last night I made myself some tomato soup with rice in it. My mom used to make that for me when I was not feeling well only she didn’t use Campbell’s soup and minute rice. It wasn’t the same but it was close. It made me cry and wish she were here so I could tell her I miss her.
My husband I went out to run some errands today and I got cold again. It was pretty out though and the sky was mostly clear and the sun was bright! The frozen black branches of the birches glittered like they were coated in sugar. I love it when my husband drives and I can take pictures through the car window… sometimes I use them for paintings later and just omit things like telephone poles and taco bells banners.
I went by the library and picked up a book I’ve been wanting to read called Forgotten Household Crafts. It must be a good book because every time I tried to find it, it was already checked out. Or it was in North Pole. Maybe Mrs. Claus was reading it? There actually is a small town about 30 minutes from here called North Pole and it is decorated like Christmas all year around. Anyway, this time I wised up and put the book on hold and now it’s here waiting for me to read! For now I need to paint though… my brushes are calling me.
*Edit: My face painting is pretty much as finished as it’s going to get. I think it’s okay for a first painted face but I’m hoping to get better. I can’t wait to see what my watercolor teacher thinks of this one.